Fragile Moments in Front of People

Prompt Hour Workshop #1 (October 2024)

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The Words Around UsNova Ren Suma

Vulnerabilities

Lately I’ve been thinking about being up for public consumption.

It should be obvious that sharing your work with the public is part of being a published writer, right? In a way—maybe more so for some writers than others—publishing the book so other people can read it is the whole point. In other words, I did this to myself.

In recent days I've had the growing awareness that the author part of being a writer is swiftly approaching and I need to get myself together. I need to snap out of it. Right now, as we speak, the advance reading copies of my new book are being printed. I mean, why else am I writing a newsletter post when I'd rather be immersed in my new novel with a hoodie pulled up over my head and a slow, sad song on repeat? I'm asking to be publicly consumed right now and you're witness to it.

Lately I've been thinking about being anonymous.

I've gone back to reread this letter the pseudonymous Italian author Elena Ferrante wrote to the publisher of her first novel, when asked what she planned to do to promote it. Here's an excerpt:

"I do not intend to do anything for TROUBLING LOVE, anything that might involve the public engagement of me personally. I’ve already done enough for this long story: I wrote it. If the book is worth anything, that should be sufficient. I won’t participate in discussions and conferences, if I’m invited. I won’t go and accept prizes, if any are awarded to me. I will never promote the book, especially on television, not in Italy or, as the case may be, abroad. . . . I believe that books, once they are written, have no need of their authors. If they have something to say, they will sooner or later find readers; if not, they won’t."

Now, most of us can't be anything close to Elena Ferrante—her adamant desire to stay anonymous even when people do shady things to try to find her, let alone her universal appeal and her enormous international success. I wish I could say that writing my book was sufficient and now I'll skulk away in the shadows, never to speak a word about it again... But my present circumstance feels too precarious. I know I'm no Ferrante, and I say that with the utmost respect and love... if you know me, you know how precious her books are to me.

The fact is, I have to be here (or somewhere), talking about the book I have coming out. Otherwise, no one might read it. And I believe in this book and want people to read it. Not to mention, I'm aware that if no one buys this book I might not have the chance to publish another book with a traditional publisher in the future. I'm aware that self-promotion does very little, but I'd regret it if I didn't try.

These are the roiling fears we authors carry, even those of us who fantasize about moving to Italy and being anonymous.

Lately I've been thinking about how much I wanted this.

It's funny when dreams turn to reality. After all the intensive work and undeniable difficulty of getting to a place where you're actually about to have a book published, it can be surprising to realize there is now more tense and trying work to come. For some of us, promoting yourself and talking about yourself and being out in the open where anyone can see and judge you can feel difficult... intensely stressful... and even, to speak plainly, grotesque.

For all the desperate fantasies I once had of being published and how badly I wanted this (I have vivid memories of crying over rejections in places around Manhattan, such as the stairwell of the AMC Village 7, or the last bathroom stall at the Oxford University Press offices during lunch break at my day job), never once did I think about the after. Such as how it would feel to expose my rawest, deepest inner workings on the page and then ask people to look. And to do it again and again, with each new book.

The vulnerable part of being an author includes, for me: the events, the public speaking, the ratings of my book, the responses to my book, the reviews (and yet how we want reviews!), the inclusion and invites to conferences (and yet how we want to be invited; how anxious we get the night before!)... and more.

I've done this author thing a handful of times before and so I've learned how to steel myself.

I don't read reviews anymore. I've gotten much better at speaking on my feet, and my experience teaching in college classrooms should help me all the more. I've done enough events now that it even feels innate on occasion and I'll wonder why I was so anxious beforehand.

Authors (are supposed to) want to share our books with audiences. And yet the introverts among us know how you can very much want this and dream of it all your life... and yet at the same time have knots of complicated emotion when it comes to doing it where other people can see. How awkward and exhausting and excruciating some of it can be even when you're smiling and celebrating.

How exposing.

I wanted this. But what I never realized is that being a writer is not the same thing as being a published author. As a shy, oversensitive person, I have to adapt to this part of being an author. I have to effectively create a second version of myself who takes on these tasks and shows her face to the outside world.

Lately I've been thinking about shapeshifting.

So yes, right now, as I type these words, the advance reading copies of my new book are at the printer.

I don’t know when the ARCs will be ready and released into the wild, but soon.

Once that happens, they will head off to early readers and trade reviewers, to librarians and booksellers, to all the people in this industry who decide if the book you pulled out of your body is worth talking about and sharing with others...

...And the protective husk I’ve so carefully and kindly wrapped around myself during the past few quiet years is about to be torn open.

It's time to shapeshift into another version of myself who can face all of what's coming with grace, positivity, and thick skin. Sometimes I think this person is new, but then I remember. We writers need this thick-skinned, brave shapeshifter inside us all along, don't we?

I remember crying on the stairwell at the movie theater and in the back bathroom stall at my day job because literary agents had rejected my first two novels—the pain still so palpable—and yet, what else do I remember?

Drying my tears. Picking myself back up again. Walking out with my head held high. And trying to get published all over again.

I shapeshifted then into someone who was strong enough to keep trying, who was told no and didn't listen and instead kept writing, who then adapted herself into a YA author, found an agent, found publishers, and is writing this post about her sixth novel coming out next year.

I've done this shapeshifting before. It's time to do it again.

A Recent Fragile Moment

The first reading of Wake the Wild Creatures...

• • • • • • •

As with every month, the day I send this newsletter is the day of the full moon. Look up tonight. It's a big, beautiful one.

This month's full moon is known as the hunter's moon, which feels personally significant because the opening scene of Wake the Wild Creatures begins on a hunter's moon, during a golden, exhilarating night that goes horribly wrong when electric lights pierce the forest and intruders arrive.

This first chapter of the book is what I read in front of people just last week. (Well, I read from behind a protective layer of glass in the safety of my own room, thanks to Zoom.)

This very first reading from Wake the Wild Creatures was a part of the Wilder Words virtual reading series with fellow Fine Arts Work Center faculty, to help promote the classes we're teaching this fall. (I'm teaching an online asynchronous workshop called Crafting the YA Novel!)

As I began to read, I made sure that all I saw on my screen was my chapter and my own moving mouth. I covered the chat and the other faces. I covered the counter that showed me how many people were there, watching, listening. My nerves slipped away when I began to read, and I just let go.

I really enjoy reading my work aloud. I hear such a specific rhythm and cadence inside my head while I’m writing, and doing readings allows me to share that intimate experience with other people once the book is done. For some reason, I feel so much more sure of myself when I'm doing a reading than another kind of event. The audience falls away. I'm simply swimming in my words, returned to the heart of the book I wrote, remembering.

Here's a picture of the event organizers and the four readers in the minutes before the Zoom room opened and we began:

Don't I look nervous? I can see it all over my face, but the truth is that once I started reading... it all fell away and I forgot.

It was an honor to join these phenomenal authors and hear their work. I’m still so wowed by what the other writers read. Kelle Groom, Airea D. Matthews, and Emily Nemens filled my imagination and gave me thrilled shivers. I'm thankful to the Fine Arts Work Center for inviting me and hosting such a fantastic event.

Also, I was so very touched to see the familiar faces and names in the Zoom room. If you attended, I want you to know how much it meant to me that you were there to share that with me. Thank you.

Upcoming 2025 Conferences

Where I'm planning to be next year...

• • • • • • •

I'm not yet sure how much I'll be traveling next year, but here are two places you'll find me:

• AWP Conference in Los Angeles — March 26–29, 2025
• Texas Library Association conference in Dallas, TX — April 1–4, 2025

Will I see you there? I'll share more details when I can.

Coming Soon

What will you find here next?

• • • • • • •

Soon I'll be sharing the summary, blurbs, cover, and pre-order links for my new novel Wake the Wild Creatures. The book comes out May 6, 2025, from Little, Brown. It will be available in hardcover, ebook, and audio.

I lied. If you've actually read this far, I'll tell you an unannounced secret: You can already pre-order Wake the Wild Creatures. That page on my publisher's site includes links to different retailers where you can find the book, and here's the link on Bookshop. (And if you do pre-order, oh my thank you so much, and please keep a hold of your receipt!)

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